Hold on to Your Kids

By Gordon Neufeld Ph.D, Gabor Mate MD

For individual chapter notes, see the chapters section below.

General Notes

Why Parents Matter More than Ever

This chapter introduces the concept of peer orientation and its impact on modern parenting, emphasizing the crucial role parents play in child development.

Peer orientation is increasing, with children bonding more with peers than parents
This shift undermines parental authority and influence
Peer orientation affects identity formation, mental health, and overall child maturation
The phenomenon was first noticed in the 1960s but initially dismissed
Parents are more important than ever in guiding children towards independence and maturity
Restoring parent-child relationships is key to addressing peer orientation issues
Children inherently want to belong to their parents, even if behavior suggests otherwise

Skewed Attachments, Subverting Instincts

This chapter explores how peer orientation disrupts natural attachment patterns and instincts in child development.

Attachment is fundamental in human relationships, especially in child development
Six ways of attaching: senses, sameness, belonging/loyalty, significance, feeling, being known
Peer orientation causes children to replace parents as primary attachment figures
Competing attachments can lead to parent alienation and hostile behavior
Peer orientation limits children's emotional development and ways of attaching
Understanding attachment is crucial for parents to interpret children's behavior
Peer-oriented children often exhibit more primitive and intense forms of attachment

Why we've Come Undone

This chapter analyzes the societal changes that have led to the rise of peer orientation and the breakdown of traditional attachment structures.

Unprecedented cultural breakdown has led to children transferring attachments from adults to peers
Economic forces and cultural trends have dismantled the social context for natural parenting
The child's brain is programmed to orient to whoever becomes the working compass point
Postindustrial society no longer encourages natural lines of attachment for children
Factors promoting peer orientation include early childcare, economic pressures, and lack of attachment education
Loss of extended family, increased mobility, and secularization have created attachment voids
Communication technology, while beneficial, can promote peer orientation when unchecked

The Power to Parent is Slipping Away

This chapter discusses how peer orientation undermines parental authority and the natural power dynamics in parent-child relationships.

Parental power is diminishing, making child-rearing increasingly difficult
The root problem is often parental impotence, not ineptitude or difficult children
Parenting should be relatively easy and power-assisted, not requiring force or coercion
The power to parent stems from the child's attachment and dependence on the parent
Peer orientation can displace parental attachment, leading to loss of parental authority
Three ingredients for effective parenting: a dependent child, a responsible adult, and a good attachment between them
Peer orientation is often preventable and reversible

From Help to Hinderance: When Attachment Works Against Us

This chapter examines how peer orientation can subvert the natural attachment dynamics that typically support effective parenting.

Attachment is crucial for effective parenting, making difficult tasks bearable
There are seven ways attachment supports parenting by securing child's dependence
Peer orientation can subvert these attachment dynamics, leading to parenting challenges
The 'attachment conscience' is an innate alarm based on separation anxiety
Peer orientation can reset the attachment conscience to serve peer relationships
Children do not fully internalize values until adolescence
Peer orientation can arrest moral development by robbing parents of nurturing opportunities

Counterwill: Why Children Become Disobedient

This chapter explores the concept of counterwill, an instinctive resistance to control, and how peer orientation amplifies its effects.

Counterwill is an instinctive resistance to any sense of being forced
Peer orientation magnifies counterwill by displacing natural attachments to adults
Counterwill serves a developmental function: defense against outside influence and fostering autonomy
In well-attached children, counterwill is limited and fleeting
Peer-oriented children experience pervasive counterwill against adults
Misinterpreting counterwill as a power play can lead to ineffective parenting strategies
The root cause of pervasive counterwill is weakened attachment to adults and increased peer orientation

The Flatlining of Culture

This chapter discusses how peer orientation disrupts the transmission of culture from one generation to the next, leading to a 'flatlining' of cultural depth.

Modern teenagers form tribes apart from adult society, with their own language and values
Cultural transmission has shifted from vertical (generational) to horizontal (peer-to-peer)
Peer orientation has resulted in children becoming more similar to each other than to their parents
Peer-generated culture lacks wisdom, protective elements, and ability to reproduce itself
The culture produced by peer orientation is transient, lacking historical context
Peer orientation promotes division rather than healthy universality
Many modern children are growing up without exposure to timeless cultural creations and universal human values

The Dangerous Flight from Feeling

This chapter examines how peer orientation leads to emotional hardening and a flight from vulnerability in children and adolescents.

Peer-oriented children often display an air of invulnerability, masking true vulnerability
The 'cool' ethic in peer culture represents a complete absence of emotional openness
Emotional hardening is a defense mechanism against overwhelming vulnerability
Peer-oriented children are more susceptible to emotional wounds than adult-oriented ones
Attachment to parents serves as a natural shield against stress and emotional pain
Peer relationships are inherently insecure, lacking unconditional acceptance
The flight from vulnerability can lead to emotional shutdown and drug use

Stuck in Immaturity

This chapter explores how peer orientation can impede the natural maturation process in children and adolescents.

Maturation proceeds through differentiation (splitting) followed by integration
Secure attachment allows for the shift from attachment to individuation
Peer orientation can impede maturation by preventing parental nurturance from getting through
Peer attachments are inherently insecure and cannot bring a child to rest
Peer orientation crushes individuality
Maturity involves capacity for self-reflection and tolerating mixed emotions
Fostering maturation requires satisfying attachment needs

A Legacy of Aggression

This chapter examines the relationship between peer orientation and increased aggression in children and adolescents.

Aggression in children is increasingly common and often linked to peer orientation
Frustration is the primary driving force behind aggression
Peer orientation increases frustration and decreases likelihood of finding peaceful alternatives
Peer-oriented children are less able to effect change, adapt to frustration, and have fewer mixed feelings about attacking
Peer orientation removes natural immunity against aggression towards family members and authority figures
Emotional numbing and suppression of alarm feelings contribute to increased aggression
Focusing on aggression itself is less effective than addressing underlying attachment issues

The Making of Bullying and Victims

This chapter analyzes bullying as an outcome of peer orientation and attachment failure, rather than a moral failing or result of abuse.

Bullying is fundamentally an outcome of attachment failure, not a moral failure
Peer orientation is a major factor in the rise of bullying, leading to unnatural hierarchies among children
The psychology of a bully involves intense attachment needs and a desperate flight from vulnerability
Bullies use various methods to establish dominance, including intimidation and demanding deference
'Backing into attachments' is a process where bullies indirectly seek connections
The solution to bullying involves reintegrating the bully into a proper attachment hierarchy with adults
Protecting victims of bullying also involves reintegrating them into depending on caregiving adults

A Sexual Turn

This chapter explores how peer orientation affects adolescent sexuality, often leading to premature and emotionally disconnected sexual behavior.

Peer pressure significantly influences adolescent sexual behavior
Sex becomes a multifaceted concept: desire, escape, status symbol, belonging, dominance, submission, attachment
Peer orientation's impact on sexuality leads to pseudo-sophistication without maturity
Attachment, vulnerability, and maturation are key factors in understanding teenage sexuality
Sex often becomes an expression of attachment hunger in peer-oriented children
Premature sexual activity can lead to emotional hardening and desensitization
Emotional consequences of sex include clinging, suffocation, loss of individuality

Unteachable Students

This chapter examines how peer orientation negatively impacts students' academic performance and teachability.

Peer orientation is negatively impacting children's academic performance and teachability
Four essential qualities determine a child's teachability: curiosity, integrative mind, ability to benefit from correction, and relationship with the teacher
Peer orientation extinguishes curiosity by preoccupying children with attachment issues
Peer orientation dulls the integrative mind, hindering complex thinking and problem-solving
Peer orientation renders academic subjects irrelevant to students
Peer orientation robs students of their connection to teachers, making traditional teaching methods less effective
Education should be seen as a shared social responsibility, not just the duty of teachers

Collecting our Children

This chapter focuses on strategies for parents to reclaim their children from peer orientation and strengthen parent-child attachments.

Parents need to reassume nature-appointed roles as mentors and nurturers
Parenting requires a context to be effective: the attachment relationship
The task of collecting our children involves drawing them under our wing and making them want to belong to us
The attachment dance has four distinct steps: get in the child's face/space, provide something to hold on to, invite dependence, act as compass point
Reclaiming peer-oriented children involves creating an attachment void and placing ourselves as substitutes
More radical measures may be required for heavily peer-oriented children
One-on-one interaction is most effective in trying to collect a child

Preserve the Ties that Empower

This chapter provides strategies for maintaining and strengthening the parent-child relationship in the face of peer orientation.

The parent-child relationship should be the highest priority in parenting
Unconditional acceptance is crucial, especially when children have disappointed us
Focus on attachment first, then maturation, and finally socialization
Create opportunities for deep, intimate connections that peers cannot compete with
Impose order on a child's attachments through structures and restrictions
Prioritize the family sit-down meal as a significant attachment ritual
Be indirect when imposing restrictions on peer interaction
Replace peers with parental presence when imposing limitations on peer interaction

Discipline that does not Divide

This chapter introduces a discipline approach that prioritizes maintaining the parent-child relationship over behavior modification.

Traditional discipline methods often focus on behavior modification, which can strain parent-child relationships
The author introduces seven principles of natural discipline that prioritize attachment and development
Connection is emphasized over separation as a disciplinary approach
Working on the relationship is prioritized over addressing specific incidents
Drawing out tears and emotions is seen as more effective than teaching direct lessons
Soliciting good intentions is preferred to demanding good behavior
The importance of insight and adaptability in parenting is emphasized throughout the chapter

Don't Court the Competition

This chapter cautions against inadvertently promoting peer orientation through well-intentioned parenting practices.

Peer orientation is often perceived positively but can be detrimental to child development
Early and extensive peer interaction without adult guidance can lead to peer orientation
Shyness in children is a natural protective mechanism and should not be viewed negatively
Day care and preschool can be risky if not approached with an understanding of attachment
Socializing with peers does not necessarily lead to better socialization skills
True friendship requires maturity and is not typically possible for young children
Boredom in children is often a sign of attachment needs not being met

Re-Create the Attachment Village

This chapter emphasizes the importance of creating a network of caring adults to support healthy child development.

Traditional 'attachment villages' provided a sense of rootedness and connection for children
Modern society has largely lost these cohesive communities
Creating an 'attachment village' is crucial for child development
Adult friends and extended family play important roles in the attachment hierarchy
Parents need a 'supporting cast' of trusted adults to share parenting responsibilities
Matchmaking between children and responsible adults is essential
Building relationships with parents of children's friends helps create a unified attachment world

The Digital Revolution Bent out of Shape

This chapter explores the impact of digital technology on child development and attachment relationships.

The digital revolution has had a significant and distressing impact on child development
Peer orientation has shaped the digital revolution, and in turn, digital technology furthers peer orientation
Digital connections allow peer-oriented kids to stay together even when physically apart
Digital intimacy is essentially empty and doesn't deliver true fulfillment
Digital media can be addictive, with brain changes similar to substance dependencies
Family time has dropped by a third in the last decade due to digital media use
The digital world lacks the customs, rituals, and taboos that traditionally protected family attachments

A Matter of Timing

This chapter discusses the importance of timing in introducing digital technology to children and maintaining healthy attachments.

Digital devices are not inherently evil, but their use by children is concerning
Society needs time to adjust to technological advances and create appropriate rituals and restrictions
Parents should act as buffers between children and society, especially regarding digital technology
Digital-free zones and times should be created in homes to protect family connection
Video games generally do not count as genuine play from a developmental perspective
Constant exposure to information can overwhelm children's attentional mechanisms
Children need information about themselves (value, significance) more than information about the world