From Help to Hinderance: When Attachment Works Against Us
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Main Notes
- Attachment is crucial for effective parenting, making difficult tasks bearable and evoking caregiving instincts.
- There are seven significant ways attachment supports parenting by securing the child's dependence on the parent:
- 1. Attachment arranges parent and child hierarchically, with the child in a dependent, care-seeking mode.
- 2. Attachment evokes parenting instincts, makes the child more endearing, and increases parental tolerance.
- 3. Attachment commands the child's attention, making it easier for parents to communicate and guide.
- 4. Attachment keeps the child physically and emotionally close to the parent.
- 5. Attachment creates a model out of the parent, facilitating spontaneous learning.
- 6. Attachment designates the parent as the primary cue-giver for the child's behavior and values.
- 7. Attachment makes the child want to be good for the parent through the 'attachment conscience'.
- Peer orientation can subvert these attachment dynamics, leading to challenges in parenting and child development.
- The 'attachment conscience' is an innate alarm that warns against conduct triggering parental disfavor, based on separation anxiety.
- Exploiting the attachment conscience can be harmful, potentially causing insecurities or shutdown in the child.
- Peer orientation can reset the attachment conscience to serve peer relationships instead of parent-child relationships.
- Children do not fully internalize values until adolescence; changes in behavior due to peer orientation reflect attachment shifts, not value changes.
- Peer orientation can arrest moral development by robbing parents of the opportunity to nurture values in their children.
- External motivators like rewards and punishments may destroy the internal motivation to be good for parents.
- Trusting in a child's desire to be good is crucial for maintaining the parent-child relationship and fostering positive behavior.
Cue Column
- How does attachment make parenting easier?
- What are the seven ways attachment supports parenting?
- How does peer orientation affect the parent-child hierarchy?
- What is the role of the 'attachment conscience' in child behavior?
- How does peer orientation impact a child's desire to be good for parents?
- Why is trusting a child's intention to be good important?
- How does peer orientation affect moral development in children?
- What are the potential dangers of using external motivators for behavior management?
- How does attachment facilitate learning in children?
- What is the impact of peer orientation on parental influence and values transmission?
Summary
This chapter emphasizes the critical role of attachment in effective parenting. Attachment naturally arranges the parent-child relationship in a hierarchical manner, with the child seeking care and guidance from the parent. This arrangement facilitates parenting by making children more receptive to parental influence and more eager to please their parents.
The text outlines seven key ways in which attachment supports parenting: hierarchical arrangement, evoking parenting instincts, commanding attention, keeping the child close, making the parent a model, designating the parent as the primary cue-giver, and instilling in the child a desire to be good for the parent. These attachment-driven dynamics make parenting more intuitive and less effortful.
However, the rise of peer orientation in modern society threatens to disrupt these natural attachment processes. When children become primarily attached to their peers instead of their parents, it can lead to a breakdown in parental authority, challenges in behavior management, and difficulties in transmitting values and guiding moral development.
The concept of the 'attachment conscience' is introduced as an innate mechanism that helps children align their behavior with parental expectations. This conscience, based on the child's fear of separation or disapproval, can be a powerful tool for guiding behavior. However, the text warns against exploiting this conscience, as it can lead to insecurities or emotional shutdown in children.
The chapter also discusses the implications of peer orientation on moral development and value internalization. It argues that children do not fully internalize values until adolescence, and peer orientation can interrupt this process by shifting the child's focus away from parental values towards peer-approved behaviors and attitudes.
Finally, the text emphasizes the importance of trusting in a child's innate desire to be good for their parents. It warns against overreliance on external motivators like rewards and punishments, which can undermine this intrinsic motivation. Instead, it advocates for nurturing the parent-child relationship and maintaining faith in the child's positive intentions, even when their behavior falls short of expectations.