Collecting our Children
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Main Notes
- Society is out of touch with parenting instincts, with children connecting more with peers than parents
- The chapter focuses on solutions to reassume nature-appointed roles as mentors and nurturers
- Parenting requires a context to be effective: the attachment relationship
- Peer orientation has eroded the attachment context, which needs to be restored
- The task of collecting our children involves drawing them under our wing and making them want to belong to us
- Parents need to make a habit of collecting children daily until they are old enough to function independently
- Human beings use instinctive behaviors to call forth attachment responses, referred to as the attachment or collecting dance
- The attachment dance has four distinct steps: get in the child's face/space, provide something to hold on to, invite dependence, act as compass point
- Getting in the child's face/space aims to attract the child's eyes, evoke a smile, and elicit a nod
- As children get older, the focus shifts from getting in their face to getting in their space
- Providing something for the child to hold on to involves offering emotional connection, not just physical objects
- Inviting dependence conveys that the child can trust, count on, and lean on the parent
- Acting as the child's compass point involves orienting the child to their environment, relationships, and experiences
- Peer orientation has created challenges in collecting older children, as they may not show obvious signs of needing guidance
- Reclaiming peer-oriented children involves creating an attachment void and placing ourselves as substitutes
- More radical measures may be required for heavily peer-oriented children, such as extended family trips or temporary relocation
- One-on-one interaction is most effective in trying to collect a child
Cue Column
- How has society lost touch with parenting instincts?
- What is the importance of the attachment relationship in parenting?
- How can parents 'collect' their children effectively?
- What are the four steps of the attachment dance?
- Why is getting in a child's space important as they grow older?
- How can parents provide something for children to 'hold on to' emotionally?
- Why is inviting dependence crucial for child development?
- How can parents act as a compass point for their children?
- What challenges does peer orientation present in collecting children?
- How can parents reclaim peer-oriented children?
- What more radical measures might be necessary for heavily peer-oriented children?
- Why is one-on-one interaction so important in collecting children?
Summary
This chapter addresses the challenge of 'collecting our children' in a society where peer orientation has eroded traditional parent-child attachments. It emphasizes the need for parents to reassume their roles as primary mentors and nurturers, outlining a four-step 'attachment dance' to strengthen bonds with children.
The chapter explains that effective parenting requires a strong attachment relationship, which must be actively maintained and restored if eroded. It introduces the concept of 'collecting' children - drawing them back into the parental sphere of influence - as a daily practice essential for healthy development.
The four steps of the attachment dance are detailed: getting in the child's face or space, providing something for the child to hold onto emotionally, inviting dependence, and acting as the child's compass point. These steps are presented as instinctive behaviors that parents can consciously employ to strengthen their relationships with their children.
The text acknowledges the challenges posed by peer orientation, particularly with older children and teenagers. It offers strategies for reclaiming peer-oriented children, including creating attachment voids and using one-on-one interactions. More radical interventions, such as family trips or temporary relocations, are suggested for severe cases of peer orientation.
Throughout, the chapter emphasizes the importance of focusing on relationship-building rather than behavior modification, and on inviting dependence as a foundation for true independence. It presents collecting children as an ongoing process requiring patience, persistence, and a willingness to adapt parenting strategies to the changing needs of growing children.