How to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk

By Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish

For individual chapter notes, see the chapters section below.

General Notes

Chapter 1: Helping Children Deal with their feelings

This chapter focuses on teaching parents how to acknowledge and respect children's emotions, fostering better communication and emotional intelligence.

Introduces four key methods: listen with full attention, acknowledge feelings, name emotions, and grant wishes in fantasy
Emphasizes that denying feelings often leads to increased frustration
Explains how empathy helps children process emotions and find solutions
Provides practical examples and role-playing exercises for parents

Chapter 2: Engaging Cooperation

This chapter presents alternatives to traditional disciplinary methods, focusing on respectful communication to encourage voluntary cooperation.

Introduces five skills: describe what you see, give information, say it with a word, talk about your feelings, and write a note
Emphasizes the importance of the attitude behind the words used
Discusses how to combine or escalate these skills if needed
Provides examples of using humor and environmental modifications to invite cooperation

Chapter 3: Alternatives to Punishment

This chapter presents a paradigm shift from punitive discipline to collaborative problem-solving between parents and children.

Introduces seven alternatives to punishment, including expressing feelings and natural consequences
Presents a detailed problem-solving approach for persistent issues
Discusses adapting problem-solving techniques for younger children and sibling conflicts
Emphasizes respectful communication and involving children in finding solutions

Chapter 4: Encouraging Autonomy

This chapter focuses on helping children become independent individuals, providing strategies for parents to foster autonomy in everyday situations.

Presents six skills to encourage autonomy, including letting children make choices and respecting their struggles
Discusses challenges parents face in encouraging autonomy
Provides alternatives to saying 'No' and strategies for helping children solve problems
Includes real-life examples demonstrating both successes and challenges in implementing these strategies

Chapter 5: Praise

This chapter discusses the impact of praise on children's development and provides guidance on effective ways to offer praise.

Distinguishes between evaluative praise and descriptive praise
Explains the potential negative effects of excessive or inappropriate praise
Provides strategies for offering meaningful and effective praise
Discusses how to help children develop intrinsic motivation and self-evaluation skills

Chapter 6: Freeing Children from Playing Roles

This chapter explores how children can be cast into roles or labeled based on their behavior, and provides strategies to help free them from these limiting roles.

Explains how labels can become self-fulfilling prophecies
Presents six skills to help free children from playing roles
Emphasizes the power of parents' words and attitudes in shaping a child's self-image
Provides real-life examples of parents helping children break free from assigned roles

Chapter 7: Putting It All Together

This final chapter demonstrates how to integrate all the skills learned throughout the book in real-life situations.

Presents contrasting scenarios to illustrate effective and ineffective parenting approaches
Emphasizes the importance of combining attitude change with practical communication skills
Encourages parents to view themselves as capable of growth and change
Reinforces the book's overall goal of improving parent-child communication and fostering mutual respect