Helping Children Deal with their feelings

Cornell Notes

Main Notes

Children's feelings need to be acknowledged and respected
Four key methods to help children deal with feelings:
1. Listen with full attention
2. Acknowledge feelings with a word - 'Oh...Mmm...I see'
3. Give the feeling a name
4. Give the child their wishes in fantasy
Denying or dismissing feelings often leads to increased frustration
Accepting feelings doesn't mean accepting all actions
Empathy helps children process their emotions and find solutions
Avoid asking 'why' when a child is upset
Acknowledge feelings without necessarily agreeing with them
Specific acknowledgment is more effective than general statements
Physical activities can help relieve emotional tension
Drawing feelings can be a powerful emotional outlet
Accepting all feelings doesn't mean being permissive about behavior
Advice-giving can deprive children of problem-solving experience
Parents can correct unhelpful responses later
Cautions about repeating exact words, cool responses, and intense reactions
Avoid repeating negative self-labels children use
Role-playing exercises can help practice these skills
Acknowledging conflicting feelings can be helpful
Parents don't need to take on children's unhappiness
Granting wishes in fantasy can defuse conflicts
These skills can be crucial in emergency situations

Cue Column

How do children's behaviors relate to their feelings?
What are the four key methods for helping children with feelings?
Why is denying feelings problematic?
How does empathy differ from agreement?
When is it appropriate to ask 'why' about feelings?
How specific should acknowledgments be?
What alternatives are there to verbal processing of feelings?
How does accepting feelings differ from accepting all behaviors?
What are the potential drawbacks of giving advice?
How can parents correct unhelpful responses?
What are some cautions when using these techniques?
How can parents practice these skills?
How can parents acknowledge conflicting feelings?
What's the balance between supporting children's emotions and taking them on?
How can fantasy be used to address unfulfillable wishes?
How might these skills apply in crisis situations?

Summary

This chapter focuses on the crucial skill of helping children deal with their feelings. The authors argue that by acknowledging and respecting children's emotions, parents can foster better communication, problem-solving skills, and emotional intelligence in their children.

The text introduces four key methods for helping children with their feelings: listening with full attention, acknowledging feelings with words, naming the feelings, and giving children their wishes in fantasy. These techniques are designed to validate children's emotional experiences without necessarily agreeing with or indulging every desire.

Throughout the chapter, the authors emphasize the importance of empathy and emotional acceptance. They argue that denying or dismissing children's feelings often leads to increased frustration and conflict, while acknowledging feelings helps children process their emotions and often leads to more constructive behavior.

The chapter includes numerous real-life examples and role-playing exercises to illustrate these principles in action. These stories demonstrate how parents can apply these techniques in various situations, from everyday frustrations to serious emergencies.

The authors also address common concerns and misconceptions, such as the fear that accepting all feelings might lead to permissive parenting. They clarify that while all feelings can be accepted, not all actions need to be. They also caution against common pitfalls, such as repeating children's exact words or responding with too much intensity.

Overall, the chapter presents a paradigm shift in how parents can approach their children's emotions. Instead of trying to fix or change feelings, the authors advocate for a more accepting and empathetic approach that ultimately empowers children to better understand and manage their own emotions.